Wamzle: The Funny Pages Issue #1 - Sunday April 21, 1996 http://www.wamzle.com/ Jive Talkin' The Five Levels of Drinking Level 1 It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh, come on, this is silly. As long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool." Level 2 It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level 2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you are thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! I'm young, single, I should be living it up while I can. Besides, as long as I get five hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool." Level 3 One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you are thinking... "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen!" At level 3, you love the world! On the way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the strange guy at the end of the bar because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies like "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live and work together forever! We could do it...Tommy can cook!" But at level 3, the devil is a bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking..."Oh, what the hell. As long as I get three hours of sleep...and maybe a blood transfusion...(snap fingers), I'm cool." Level 4 Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call you ordered a bottle of rum and coke. You ARE artificial turf. This time, on your way to the bathroom, you punch the strange guy at the end of the bar just because you don't like his face. And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I have ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an...after hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, "Well, as long as I am only going to get a few hours of sleep anyway, I may as well... STAY UP ALL NIGHT! Yeah, that'd be better. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll actually turn that around, make it work for me. Give that rebel boy appearance to those people that think I am too straightlaced anyway. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours of sleep tomorrow night, I'm cool." Level 5 Five in the morning... After unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Ugh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell - at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding and saying things like "I love you man! I really love you man!" A waitress with fresh stitches comes over and you think to yourself "Someday, I am gonna marry that girl!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "Let's go! We're driving to Florida!" - and passes out! You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 - the sun. You weren't expecting that, were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work or jogging. And they look at you - and they know. And they say, "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but if you are over 25, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer right then and there - "I swear, if you hlp me through this, I will never ever drink again (How Long?) as long as I live!! And some of us have that little addition, "And I really mean it this time!" -From Joke of the Day.