Bandwaggon

Excerpt from Fifty Years Of Radio Comedy

[R:] Ah, good morning, Blenkinsop! Is Miss Nausea Bagwash at home? She is and she'll see me? I'm delighted! Now I'm outside the boudoir.

[A:] I know - wait a minute - I'm not ready for you yet... I'll just be a second... Ready!

Now I'm opening the boudoir door...

[A:] Well don't touch me, you're not in yet...

I've shut the boudoir door

[A:] Yes!

And now... I'm in your boudoir

[A:] Yes!

Oh Nausea, do you know what I'm here for?

[A:] I've got a damn good idea!

Nausea, I want to ask you a question...

[A:] Well the answer's "no"!

Nausea, I've had something trembling on my lip for weeks...

[A:] Well why don't you shave it off?

[Both:] It'll get in your cocoa!

Nausea, I kneel before you. I am intoxicated by your beauty, the perfume of your presence! Those beautiful lips, those beautiful teeth, those lovely eyes! Nausea, darling, I've come to press my suit.

[A:] Mary, put the iron on!

[R:] That's what you've got to do!

[A:] What, all that?

[R:] All that!

[A:] I'm going to stay single all my life!

[R:] This time I'm going to be Nausea and you're going to be yourself.

[A:] You're Nausea, right? Get up in the bedroom!

[R:] The boudoir!

Well, it's the same thing only in French!

[R:] You've called to see Miss Nausea Bagwash...

What, she'll see me? I am surprised. I'm coming up the stairs... now I'm going down the stairs...

[R:] What are you doing that for?

'Ang me 'at in the 'all. Now I'm coming up the stairs... knock knock!

[R:] Come in!

Don't be so anxious! Oh Nausea! I've got something hanging on my face!

[Both:] Trembling on yer lip, yer fool!

Nausea, I'm drunk, I'm plastered!

[Both:] I am intoxicated by your beauty!

Nausea, you smell like a pheasant!

[Both:] The perfume of your presence!

That beautiful eye!

[R:] Eyes!

I can only see one from 'ere, what's the matter with you?

Those lovely lips, just like petals!

[R:] Ah, rose petals?

(Here it comes!) No, bicycle petals! Nausea, I've come to iron my trousers!