[Posted to "Life, the Universe & Everything" by various people in 1993] Yes this is the *definitive* lightbulb jokes listing folks. All based on the following formula:- ;-) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer F. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group. If F == 1 then the joke has unusually small hope of being funny. ----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q': How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A': 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q": How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A": Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many civil servants does it take to change John Major's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. A': We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A': None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A": None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Anglia Poly employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four. One to screw in the bulb, one to comment on how the bulb violates the socket, one to secretly wish she was the bulb, and one to secretly wish she was the socket. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark. A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) Q': How long will it take? A:' That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Q": What if you have *two* dead bulbs? A": They replace your fuse box. Note: FSE's are "Field Service Engineers". Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs! Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights. Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. Q: How many Cambridge Uni students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A": Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. A' None. Mac users don't screw, they just point and click at the genital icon. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986 Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. See also "How many junkies..." Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' f**kin' business! Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit "n"! Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many (Chinese) Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession. Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again. Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many Televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many TV preachers does it take to change a light bulb. A: Two, one to change it, the other to PRAISE THE LORD! Q: How many women with pmt does it take to change a light bulb. A: 137. Q2: Why? A2: IT JUST F**KING DOES!! Q: How many software engineers doe it take to change a light bulb. A: Six, One to change it, the other 5 to debug the damn thing when it goes wrong after the first has left the company. Do you like lightbulbs? Why or why not? Which color lightbulb do you prefer? Why? Compare and contrast: colored floodlights and white for, say, an Eskimo ice sculpture (50 degrees North or more). Discuss the implications of premature light bulb death on the psyche of the typical suburban housewife. For example, does she merely discard the dead bulb, or will she in fact pause a moment and reflect on the life's experiences of this bulb, in effect eulogizing the perceived lifespan of the bulb? Do you think this question is too stupid for words? Discuss. Q: How long does it take a feminist to change a light bulb? A: Half the time it takes a man! Q: How many Accrington Stanley supporters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many babies does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Ans: Goo! Gaa! What's a lighty bulby.... Q: How many Russians (pre prestroika) are needed to change a light bulb? A: Several, one to refer to communist party manifesto. One to wire Moscow for instructions. one to praise how the glorious Russian workers are working in concert. Eisenstein to film it. Another GRU man to watch on these glorious workers. The last is a KGB man to watch over GRU man. It also requires several Americans disguised as Russians workers to spy on this suspicious activity. Finally, as bulb was made at a Russian factory, it blew out in face of workers. Then it required another 20 men firing squad to kill all the persons involved. Then the general secretary declared a western conspiracy and send back 50 American diplomats. Finally, 50 Russian diplomats were also send back to start the process again. From Thomas Pynchon's "Vineland": Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's too hot in there. Q. How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Why do you want to change the light bulb? Are you afraid of the dark? Q. How many Anglia Lecturers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. This was referred to Tim Matthews Associates in December, but they've been waiting for clearance and confirmation from Chelmsford before doing anything about it. Q. How many Cambridge City Council people does it take to change a light bulb? A. The light bulb was towed away because it was parked unlawfully and will be restored on payment of a £115.00 fine.