[Posted to "Life, the Universe and Everything" by FORD::BISJXH 7-MAR-1994 16:27]
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MANCHESTER 2000 - AN OLYMPIC BID

   In an attempt to influence the members of the international olympic
   committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2000, the
   organisers of Manchesters bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
   schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

   This is to be kept as brief as possible, due to the low boredom threshold
   of the average Mancunian.

   There will be no parade of athletes around the arena since if they leave
   their rooms at the village for more than two minutes, they will be stripped
   bare by the time they get back.

   Neither will there be any flags in the stadium, as any left unattended are
   likely to be stolen and used to decorate the walls at a future warehouse
   rave.

   The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
   the city (preferably from Ordsall area), wearing the traditional costume of
   shell suit, baseball cap and a balaclava mask. It will burn for the
   duration of the games in a large chip pan situated on the roof of the
   stadium.

THE EVENTS

   In previous Olympic games, Britain's competitors have not been particularly
   successful.  In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been
   altered slightly to the advantage of local atheletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

   Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one
   under each arm), and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
   be released from a cage 10 yards behind the atheletes.

100 METRES HURDLES

   As above, but with added obstacles (ie car bonnets, hedges, garden
   fences/walls etc).

HAMMER

   Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
   (claw, ballplane, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the
   most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

   Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as
   possible in five minutes.

LONG JUMP/HIGH JUMP

   These events have been amalgamated and will be referred to simply as 'A
   Jump'. Mixed teams, in loose fitting clothing only.

SHOOTING

   A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
   target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
   aim at a post office counter clerk, bank teller or an Armaguard/Securicor
   style wages delivery man.

BOXING

   Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will
   take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of bitter,
   while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The
   bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

   Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike sheds and take
   an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the Home
   counties, on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

   As above, but the bike will be owend by a visiting member of the S.A.S.
   rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

   Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding,
   and arson.

THE MARATHON

   A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with
   sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the
   course.

SWIMMING

   Competitors will be thrown off a bridge on the Manchester ship canal. The
   first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 4 x 100 METRES

   To be run according to the usual rules with the slight ammendment of
   replacing the batons with handbags stolen from members of the public
   watching the event.

MENS 4 x 400 METRES

   As above, but with a police dog giving pursuit to ensure the competitors
   run further.

WEIGHTLIFTING

   This will now be a pairs event. In the first round, entrants will be
   required to smash a shop window and make their escapewith a three piece
   suite or washing machine from the display. Medals will be awarded to the
   first team to overturn and torch a police armed response vehicle, complete
   with constables.

GYMNASTICS

   Please note that the ladies floor exercises have been replaced by a rythmic
   clog dancing formation team event. Competitors will also be judged on the
   difficulty of the knots with which their shawls are tied.

MENS 50 km WALK

   Unfortunatly, this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee
   the saftey of anyone walking the streets of Manchester.

PROPOSED EXHIBITION SPORT

   Following the success of other exhibition sports, Manchester proposes their
   version of the modern pentathlon. Suggestions recieved so far include yard
   of ale contests, whippet keeping, pigeon racing, tram spotting and black
   pudding or ferret juggling.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

   Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
   Hacienda 'Health in the Community' anti drug campaigners, dwarf tossing and
   music by the Happy Mondays and Morrisey.

   The olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing
   machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the
   stadium.

   The stadium will then be boarded up before the local atheletes break into
   it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

That's all folks....
    
John. :-))