From: richardm@runx.oz.au (Richard Murnane)
Subject: Power Users II
Keywords: smirk, computer
Approved: funny@clarinet.com

[original, funny (I hope), offensive to nerds, power users
and radio hams...]


(with apologies to Cosmopolitan, Byte, and the ARRL it's...)

     The Power User's Guide to Power Users, Part II: The Quiz

                      Are *YOU* a Power User?

1:  Your ideal holiday is:

     a. Alone on South Sandwich Island, with a radio, antenna,
        and lots of beer.

     b. Just you and your Amex Gold Card at any Silicon Valley
        computer conference.

     c. Anywhere at all, as long as you can take along your PC.


2:  Your ideal spouse:

     a. Someone who owns controlling stock in Yaesu, Icom,
        and Kenwood, and doesn't mind being alone while you're
        away on a "DX-pedition".

     b. Owns controlling stock in Borland, Microsoft, Lotus, IBM,
        and Novell, and buys you software upgrades on your
        wedding anniversary.

     c. "What? Er, you mean, like, a woman?"


3:  Your favourite food is:

     a. "Food? Who cares about food? JY1 is on 20 metres
        right now, calling 'CQ DX'!"

     b. "Just a minute, I've got the recipe right here on my
        database.... Now, how do I run dBase again?"

     c. Anything with caffeine in it, for those overnight
        debugging sessions.


4:  Your favourite book is:

     a. Anything published by the American Relay Relay League.

     b. Anything with the words "Power User" in the title.

     c. Anything at all, as long as it's on floppy disk.


5:  What is a GUI?

     a. "VP8GUI? Yeah, he's that guy on South Sandwich Island
        who sends Morse Code with his left foot!"

     b. "Just a minute, I've got the recipe right here on my
        database.... Now, how do I run dBase again?"

     c. "A crutch for Power Users who can't handle the DOS command line!"


6:  Two Jehovah's Witnesses arrive at your doorstep: do you

     a. Scream at the top of your voice "you dragged
        me out of a QSO with JY1 for THIS?!??!"

     b. Invite them in to show them your new Borlosoft
        MicroNavigator [tm] package, and offer to optimise
        their path through your neighborhood.

     c. Ask them for the number of their BBS.


7:  What kind of answering machine do you have?

     a. You don't have a phone - anyone who wants to
        talk to you calls "CQ DX from South Sandwich Island".

     b. "This is a voice response system. If you want to
        speak to me, press 1; if you want to speak to my wife,
        press 2; if you want to speak to ten-year-old Jimmy, press 3..."

     c. A V32 modem with auto-answer.


8:  At the supermarket, the checkout-person is having
    trouble scanning your box of cornflakes. Do you:

     a. Run out of the supermarket without your groceries.
        (You just heard on your scanner that the 6 metre
        band has just opened up to Europe.)

     b. Pull out your cellular phone, call IBM Tech Support...

     c. Hah! What do checkout chicks know about technology? You
        scanned everything while she was packing the previous
        customer's groceries.


9:  What is your greatest programming achievement?

    a. Making your PC conduct Morse Code contacts with
       57 'rare' countries, without human intervention!

    b. Getting a macro published in "DBMS" magazine
       that sorts a column of numbers.

    c. "When GEnie went down that time, they blamed it
       on the San Francisco earthquake, but *I* know
       it was _my_ worm! [evil cackle]"


10: Which of these statements is most likely to pass
    your lips?

    a. "JY1 UR 59, 73! QRZ?"

    b. "Jennifer, call IBM Tech Support, would you?
       I'm getting a 'write protect error' thing on
       my CD-ROM drive."

    c. "Yeah, a '486 with 16Mb, 1.44 3.5 and 1.2 5.25, VGA,
       WORM drive, and a V.37 M7F at 14400bps! Hacker's heaven!"


SCORING:

If you answered...

Mostly 'a': You must be a Radio Ham. Your spouse will divorce
            you, but you will be too wrapped up in a 20 metre
            band CW contest to notice.

Mostly 'b': You are a Power User. Your spouse will leave you
            for a Power Lawyer, who will hit you with a
            "Look 'n' Feel" lawsuit, but you won't know what
            it is you should have been looking at and feeling.

Mostly 'c': You are a Computer Nerd. Spouse? Are you kidding?


Either way, looks like you'll end up alone. Sobering thought,
isn't it?