Round The Horne

BBC Radio 2, mid-late Sixties

Cast: Kenneth Horne, Kenneth Williams, Betty Marsden, Hugh Paddick, Douglas Smith, Bill Pertwee (cousin of Jon Pertwee and the Air Raid Warden in Dad's Army).

Written by Barry Took and Marty Feldman.

Some regular characters:

• J. Peasemole Gruntfuttock from Balls Pond Road
• Ramblin' Sid Rumpo (KW) (the eminent folk singer)
• Daphne Whitethigh (BM) (the columnist)
• Seamus Android (BP) (well-known Irish personality, nothing to do with Eammon Andrews of course)
• Dame Celia Molestrangler (BM) (the actress)
• Julian and Sandy (KW & HP) (resting theatrical artistes/boutique owners/contract house cleaners) [possibly the inspiration for Nice & Tidy at Rawlinson End]

The Palone Ranger sketch

[DS - announcer:] And now Armpit Theatre presents a story of the fastest gun in the West and how justice was brought to the wild frontier by the man they called... the Palone Ranger.

[KH:] My name is Wild Al Pubes. I'm an old pan-handler...

[KW:] You don't have to tell us, duckie!

[KH:] One day I was pan-handling up the creek, crouched over my pan looking for gold...

[KW:] You won't find any there, either!

[KM:] Alright! Alright! Yees... I had staked out a claim in the Black Hills of Dakota and er.. my daughter & I were hoping to strike it rich.

[BM:] Gee, Paw! Shucks. Doggon a'hide and cat on a hot tin roof!

[KH:] What is it, Hoss?

[BM:] Paw, do you think we'll ever find gold?

[KH:] Of but course we will.

[BM:] But Paw, we've bin' out here prospectin' for months - I'm plum tuckered out.

[KH:] Well plum tuck it in ... and fix us some vittles.

[BM:] Look Paw! Strangers on our land!

[KH:] I looked up as a group of horsemen approached. The leader towered over 5 foot high, including the horse. I took in his sombreroed head, his leather-jacketed body and his chapped legs... his high-heeled boots boasted ornate silver spurs. Who was this sinister stranger? He spoke...

[HP, with severe lisp]: I am Buffalo Sidney Goosecreature, the celebrated desperado, who's feared and hated from Kansas City to Sacramento... (and I'm none to popular in Finchley I might add).

[KH:] And what do you want of me?

[HP:] I want your land! The railroad is coming through! Soon the Black Hills will reverberate with the sound of the iron horse!

[KH:] And if your iron horse sets so much as an iron hoof on my land, I'll plug you more times than the BBC plugged Puppet On A String.

[HP:] Ah, don't mess with me, Pubes! We're desperate men!

[KH:] He gestured at his swarthy companions.

[HP:] This is Mexican Solly Mutabucket.. he was with the Villa...

[KH:] Pancho Villa?

[HP:] No, Aston Villa. He was transferred to me in the closed season. And this is Two-gin Pandabody: he's a hired gun, works for anyone, don't you Two-gin?

[KH:] Two-gin? Surely you mean Two-gun?

[HP, camp:] No, dearie, two gins and I'm anybody's!

[KH:] Ah - she's a fine figure of a woman, isn;t she. And who are the others?

[HP:] These are my cow hands... these are my cow feet.. and that's me cow 'eel. I'll give you 24 hours to get out of this territory.

[KH:] 24 hours?

[HP, conspiratorily:] Well, to you 23. Adios, amigos! Adios!

[BM:] Oh, gee, Paw. What are we going to do?

[KH:] Well, there's only one thing we can do: send for the Palone Ranger.

[DS:] A streak of light, a flash of light and a cry:

[KW:] Hi-ho, Sylvia!

[KH:] It's the Palone Ranger!

[KW:] Woah, Sylvia! Allow me to introduce myself: I am the Palone Ranger and this is

Sylvia the Wonder Horse, played very quietly by Douglas Smith.. in blinkers..

[DS:] Aaaaah!

[KW:] Steady girl! Look at her: cat's meat manque.

[KH:] She looks run down.Well, we've ridden 500 miles to get here and she's due for a service...

But we're at your command, me and my trusty Paloyourno...

[KH:] Palomino!

[KW:] Well any Paloyouno's a Palomino.

[KH:] And you've ridden 500 miles just to say that... a fool's errand.

[BM:] Tell me, tell me Palone Ranger, why do you always wear that mask?

[KW:] Some say it's because I'm a wanted criminal seeking to atone for my crimes, some say I wear it to prevent unsightly crow's feet... but the real reason is the elastic's caught round my ears and I can't get the dammed thing off!

Ramblin' Sid Rumpo

When I was a young man I nadgered on my splod
As I nurked at the wogglers' trade.
When suddenly I thought while trussing up my groats
I'd wurdle with a fair young maid.
We wurdled through the summer time
Until the winter came.
And the only, only thing that I ever did wrong
Was to tell her my foggy, foggy name.

Now I'm married and I've put away my splod
And my son's at the wogglers' trade.
Though I still think as I'm trussing up my groats
Of wurdling with a fair young maid.
I'd wurdle her in the winter time,
I'd wurdle her for dear life,
But the only, only thing that I'd have to do
Is to keep it from the foggy, foggy wife.

Ohhh...