Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 01:09:29 CST From: "michael d. winokur" Subj: The Times on Maastricht A distinctly scottish perspective on Maastricht treaty..... +++ Mastications over Europe; Scotland Times of London (TL) - Sunday, September 27, 1992 By: Jeremy Hodges Section: Features TEXT: JEREMY HODGES deciphers some of the gobbledegook that has featured in the news of late. A SIMPLE person's guide to the complex political terminology of last week: Mastic: a bituminous or oily cement of various kinds, used as a sealant or filler. Hence Treaty of Mastic: clumsy attempt by politicans to use this substance to patch the cracks between member states of the European Community. Mastrick: place in Aberdeen, soon to be swallowed up in United States of Europe. Not to be confused with Maastricht: place in Holland, soon to be swallowed up in United States of Europe. Masstrick: attempt by politicians to fool all the people all of the time. See also mass unemployment, mass suicide. Ratification: process whereby politicians of all political persuasions spend several nights in the Commons bars, drowning their misgivings by getting totally ratified, and then vote in favour of Mastic because nobody can come up with a better idea. Democracy: principle whereby the ordinary punter, having signed on the dotted line on April 9 (without reading the small print), is now committed to a contract that will have him paying for a botched job in perpetuity. The people have spoken and should now shut up for the next four years, by which time all the Mastic will have fallen out, the original contractor who did the job (England & Co) will have gone bust, and the once-British consumer will be left to seek what redress he can from the official receiver at the Bundesbank. Referendum: democratic right of all French, Irish and Danish citizens to have a say on constitutional change. Unnecessary in Scotland and the rest of the UK, since everybody voted for parties that support European integration with heavy use of Mastic. Piggyback referendum: attempt by Scottish National party members to escape the shackles that bind them to the backs of the English (Act of Union) and instead bind themselves to the backs of the Germans (European Rubber thong Mechanism or Independence in Europe) rather than stand on their own two feet. Scottish Sovereignty Movement: SNP fringe group who feel the mainstream party are a bunch of bondage freaks, with no real interest in independence. Emergency debate: early meeting of parliament, called for by the leader of the opposition, to enable MPs to have a good giggle at David Mellor before he went. Leader of the Opposition: position once filled by uncivilised yobbos who felt their role had something to do with giving the government a hard time. Current incumbent is a suave and sophisticated Scot, who has pledged to support the prime minister with all the Mastic he needs to plug the alarming cracks opening up in the Tory party and avoid a referendum on Europe. Chancer: Glasgow term for a wee nyaff who tries it on with women, dodgy deals, etc. Chancer of the exchequer: Shetland term for a wee nyaff who tries it on with the economy. Mellor: archaic word that once formed part of our rich national heritage, meaning a surrogate victim, sacrificed instead of the chancer of the exchequer to placate the tabloid gods and Tory backbenchers. Europe's first division: Germany, Holland, Belgium, Luxembourg, France. Also Second division: Italy, Spain, Denmark, Albania etc. And Beazer Homes league: Scotland, England, Wales, Northern Ireland. John Major has ruled out the possibility of Britain making it into the second division. Subsidiarity: stoic philosophy whereby one shrugs off loss of national sovereignty and resigns oneself to life in the Beazer Homes league. Mastic? I canna stick it.