[Image] Summer is here, and you know what THAT means--SUMMER MOVIE MANIA! By now, every media outlet, from glossies like "Premiere" to smalltown ad rags, has done a boring rundown of the upcoming summer retreads, building up ridiculous hype about who has the best chance of winning the season's box office battle. We're sick of all that nonsense. That's why we've eschewed the standard slobbering "summer movie preview" in favor of the following easy-to-read scripts. These Predict-O-Scripts reflect how we ASSUME the summer movies will unfold, based on a scientific and psychic analysis of time-proven Hollywood clichˇs. If the films actually manage to break form, well, Whoop-De-Doo! THE CABLE GUY (June14) INT: A CONSERVATIVE HOME MATTHEW BRODERICK I need to have my cable hooked up. I wish there was a guy who could hook up my cable. JIM CARREY I'm the Cable Guy. Watch me twist my stupid face off. (Carrey MUGS and gesticulates.) MATTHEW BRODERICK Oh, no. I'll never get this guy out of my house. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHAIN REACTION (July 31) INT: LAB MORGAN FREEMAN Keanu Reeves, you stole a revolutionary piece of technology that could end the energy crisis. KEANU REEVES I've been framed. (Reeves runs around with a LEGGY DAME and SHOOTS GUNS.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- COURAGE UNDER FIRE (July 12) EXT: THE PERSIAN GULF (Soldier DENZEL WASHINGTON accidentally KILLS one of his compatriots.) DENZEL WASHINGTON I feel guilty. I'll try and make sure Meg Ryan gets a posthumous medal of honor. FLASHBACKS OF MEG RYAN Aw, don't feel so guilty. DENZEL WASHINGTON Redemption at last. I've truly attained "Courage Under Fire." THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE CROW: CITY OF ANGELS (Aug. 2) INT: DILAPIDATED, FLAMING WAREHOUSE CROOKS Look how evil we are. Ha ha ha. VINCENT PEREZ I'm The Crow, and the darkness of this city serves as an allegory for the darkness of humanity's collective consciousness. MIA KIRSHNER The power of my Ankh will protect me, as well as draw attention to my cleavage. (CUE soundtrack by BAUHAUS.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- DRAGONHEART (May 31) EXT: MEDIEVAL ENGLAND DENNIS QUAID I am a fearless knight. You are a dragon. We must be enemies. SEAN CONNERY aka THE DRAGON The only enemy is blind prejudice. DENNIS QUAID At last, I see the light. Now let's fly around and shoot fireballs at people. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDDIE (May 31) INT: BASKETBALL COURT WHOOPI GOLDBERG Now you can save 25% with MCI. Oh, wait. I brought the wrong script. (Goldberg leads RAGTAG BASKETBALL TEAM into BIG GAME. They win!) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ERASER (June 21) INT: WAREHOUSE (GUNS are FIRED. Then some MORE GUNS are fired. Finally, a REALLY BIG GUN is fired.) ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER You're erased. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (JOHN CARPENTER'S) ESCAPE FROM L.A. (Aug. 9) EXT: CHEAP MOVIE SET (A COMPUTER-ANIMATED sequence explains that L.A. has become an ISLAND following a major EARTHQUAKE.) THE PRESIDENT Kurt Russell, my rebellious daughter is in L.A. Go get her out. KURT RUSSELL No. (The President does something EVIL to force Russell's compliance.) Okay, I'll go. (Russell walks by some BURNT-OUT CARS. Savage STREET PEOPLE try to KILL him. They FAIL.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE FAN (July 26) EXT: BASEBALL STADIUM ROBERT DE NIRO I'm your biggest fan, Wesley Snipes. WESLEY SNIPES I'm sorry, but as a baseball player adored by millions, I can't devote as much time to you as you require. ROBERT DE NIRO Then I must stalk you. (De Niro stalks Snipes. Snipes BEATS De Niro over the head with a BAT.) WESLEY SNIPES How's THAT for a fan club? THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- FLIPPER (May 17) EXT: THE FLORIDA KEYS ELIJAH WOOD I'm forced live with my crusty, eccentric uncle all summer. I sure do wish I had a friend. PAUL HOGAN Here's some toast. I made it with a blow torch. Har har har. (FLIPPER, a dolphin, APPEARS. CUE Gin Blossoms soundtrack.) FLIPPER Squawk Squawk. (SPLASHES Paul Hogan.) ELIJAH WOOD Oh good. Now I have a friend to help me defeat evil fishermen who like to pollute. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE FRIGHTENERS (July 19) INT: SPOOKY MANSION MICHAEL J. FOX I prey on people's fears of ghosts to make a quick buck. (Three antagonistic GHOSTS appear. Director PETER JACKSON zooms the camera all over the place.) Yikes. Ghosts. I learned my lesson. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS EXT: SAVANNAH VAL KILMER We gotta hunt down this lion that's killing people. MICHAEL DOUGLAS Why don't we just get in a helicopter and do it? VAL KILMER Because it's 1896 Africa. (They kill the lion ON FOOT.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- GONE FISHIN' INT: BAIT SHOP DANNY GLOVER Let's go fishin'. JOE PESCI OK. (Stuntpeople drive their boat onto the land and accidently KILL an innocent bystander.) VICTIM'S GHOST I'm honored to have died on the set of such an inspired, original film. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (June 21) INT: CATHEDRAL BELLTOWER QUASIMODO I'm so lonely. No one will love me because I'm ugly. ESMARELDA Save me. (Quasimodo SAVES Esmarelda. Three hilarious comic relief GARGOYLES appear.) GARGOYLE ONE I'm the fat one who likes to eat. GARGOYLE TWO I'm the one with the hilarious ethnic accent. GARGOYLE THREE I'm the one that will be featured most prominently on the Burger King collector cups. (ESMARELDA sings an Oscar-winning song about Quasimodo's inner beauty. Suddenly, Esmarelda's love turns Quasimodo into a HANDSOME PRINCE.) QUASIMODO Boy, am I glad I'm not a twisted freak anymore. All that inner beauty nonsense was a load of crap. (Disney's high-powered LAWYERS sue FilmZone for sullying their client's good name.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- HIGH SCHOOL HIGH (August) INT: INNER CITY HIGH SCHOOL JON LOVITZ I want you kids to do your homework. MEKHI PHIFER School is for fools. JON LOVITZ I will teach you to love learning by utilizing "rap" music. (Jon Lovitz shakes his fat RUMP and it is FUNNY. Mekhi Phifer becomes a STAR PUPIL.) TIA CARERRE I love you, Jon Lovitz. You got through to those kids. JON LOVITZ "Word" to that, "homey." THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- INDEPENDENCE DAY (July 3) EXT: FLAMING CITIES (ALIENS blow up everything on Earth) WILL SMITH I'm gonna go kick E.T.'s ass! (Smith gets in a PLANE and scares the aliens away.) PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN Today we declare our independence! JEFF GOLDBLUM And on the same day our forefathers signed the Constitution! How ironic! PRESIDENT BILL PULLMAN Actually, Jeff, the term you're looking for is "coincidental." THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- JACK (August 7) INT: CHILD'S PLAYROOM ROBIN WILLIAMS I'm only ten, but I've got a disease that makes me look like I'm 40. (Williams BUYS BEER for all his buddies.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOE'S APARTMENT INT: APARTMENT JERRY O'CONNELL I'm a small-town boy who's just arrived in the Big Apple. (Hundreds of COCKROACHES appear) Yikes. Cockroaches. (The cockroaches help him get LAID and defeat an EVIL LANDLORD.) I like you now, cockroaches. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- KAZAAM (RANDOM ACTOR rubs a MAGIC BASKETBALL. "THE SHAQ" appears.) SHAQUILLE O'NEAL As a 7-foot-tall genie, I will grant you one wish. RANDOM ACTOR I wish I could make a woman fall in love with me. SHAQUILLE O'NEAL Done. (A woman instantly falls in love with the RANDOM ACTOR.) RANDOM ACTOR Alas, this relationship is empty because I have not earned the woman's love. That'll teach me to accept wishes from basketball players. (O'NEAL winks into camera.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- KINGPIN (July 12) INT: AMISH BOWLING ALLEY WOODY HARRELSON I'm a wacky bowler. RANDY QUAID I'm a wacky Amish guy. HARRELSON and QUAID What a wacky team we make. (Both characters FART.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- LARGE AS LIFE EXT: CIRCUS JANEANE GAROFALO So, you've inherited an elephant. If you can get him across the country to me in two days, I'll give you a lot of money. BILL MURRAY I like money, so I will take on this crazy assignment. (The ELEPHANT STARTLES a bunch of PEOPLE who would have never expected to see an elephant outside of a zoo.) After all we've been through, I realize I love the elephant more than money. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE (May 22) INT: HEATING DUCT IN ENEMY SPY HEADQUARTERS TAPE RECORDED MESSAGE This message will self-destruct in five seconds. TOM CRUISE Check it out. I'm a spy. (Cruise displays HIGH-TECH GADGETS. He DEFEATS bad spies on a train.) Check it out. I'm a spy. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MOLL FLANDERS EXT: LONDON TOWNSFOLK Moll Flanders, you are a common whore. ROBIN WRIGHT You think me a whore? Than what be all of you? TOWNSFOLK You're right. But we'll never change our puritanical stance. AUDIENCE My, how attitudes have changed since then. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MULTIPLICITY (July 12) EXT: CONSTRUCTION SITE MICHAEL KEATON I sure am busy. I wish there were copies of me so I could get all my work done. (Keaton CLONES himself.) ANDIE MAC DOWELL (to one of Keaton's clones) You sure haven't been yourself lately. AUDIENCE Little does she know. Ha ha ha. MICHAEL KEATON Oh, no. I thought cloning myself would make life easier. Instead, it's made things more confusing. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (June 28) INT: COLLEGE LABORATORY EDDIE MURPHY I'm fat and unattractive, but if I drink this potion, I'll be suave and debonair. (Eddie drinks POTION and turns into a SUAVE GUY.) JADA PINKETT I love you now that you're svelte. EDDIE MURPHY Oh, no. The potion is wearing off. JADA PINKETT Hmmm. I may have to reexamine my standards of what REALLY makes a man attractive. You've taught me a lesson, nutty professor--a lesson in love. EDDIE MURPHY I'm Gumby, Dammit! Oh tay! THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE PHANTOM (June 7) EXT: PHANTOM'S LAIR BILLY ZANE I'm the mysterious and elusive Phantom. AUDIENCE What is this, 1943? Who the hell cares? THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PHENOMENON (July 10) EXT: OUTSIDE JOHN TRAVOLTA I've been struck by a mysterious white light, and now I'm a genius! Let's move the release date of this film back a week, so it doesn't get trounced by INDEPENDENCE DAY. KYRA SEDGWICK Great Scott! You ARE a genius! This sudden change in your personality will most certainly introduce unexpected stress into our relationship. (It does.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (THE ADVENTURES OF) PINOCCHIO (July 26) INT: GEPETTO'S WORKSHOP PINOCCHIO I'm a puppet who longs to be a boy. (Pinocchio's NOSE GROWS.) MARTIN LANDAU Pinnochio, did you tell a lie? PINOCCHIO Yes, sir. I'd rather be a spice rack. (Landau HUGS Pinocchio, then CHOPS his head off with a hatchet.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE RELIC INT: DARKENED MUSEUM PENELOPE ANNE MILLER Oh, no. This relic has unleashed an evil monster. (The MONSTER kills some people.) ARCHAEOLOGIST I've figured out a way to send the monster back to hell. (The PLAN is successfully implemented...for now.) THE END...OR IS IT? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ROCK (June 7) INT: FBI HEADQUARTERS SEAN CONNERY I'm the only man who's escaped from Alcatraz. NICOLAS CAGE Good. Then help us stop Ed Harris from taking over the island and murdering tourists. (Eats COCKROACH) CUT TO: EXT: ALCATRAZ ISLAND ED HARRIS (cackling) I'm bald and insane. Har har har. (Suddenly, CAGE and CONNERY appear on the island. ED HARRIS gets thrown into the ocean or something.) SEAN CONNERY DEATH..it's the only way to escape from..."THE ROCK." THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPY HARD (May 24) EXT: WHATEVER HOLLYWOOD SET ISN'T BEING USED BY A BETTER-FUNDED SHOOT THAT DAY LESLIE NIELSEN Please laugh at me. I'm old and it's the only thing that brings me joy. (Nielsen comically FIRES GUN into pants.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- STRIPTEASE (June 28) INT: TOPLESS BAR DEMI MOORE Look at my tits. BURT REYNOLDS I'm a senator. I motion that we look at Demi's tits. (Director ANDREW BERGMAN zeroes in on Demi's tits.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A TIME TO KILL (July 26) INT: PRISON SAMUEL L. JACKSON I killed a couple guys because they raped my daughter. MATTHEW MC CONAUGHEY With the help of my attractive young assistant, Sandra Bullock, perhaps we can get you off. SANDRA BULLOCK C'mere, Matthew. I'll get YOU off. (The MOVIE ENDS the same way the BOOK ENDS. For that matter, the same way every John Grisham BOOK ENDS. For that matter, the way every John Grisham MOVIE ENDS. For that matter, the way every COURTROOM DRAMA ENDS.) THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TIN CUP (August 9) EXT: GOLF COURSE KEVIN COSTNER I'm the best golfer. DON JOHNSON No, I am. (They COMPETE at the U.S. OPEN. Johnson WINS. He stands with RENE RUSSO on one arm and a GOLF TROPHY in the other.) INT: PRO SHOP DON JOHNSON Ha ha ha, Kevin Costner. I've beaten you at both golf AND love. RENE RUSSO Oh, no you haven't. (Russo RUNS into Costner's arms.) KEVIN COSTNER Don may have beaten me on the links, but I've won the more important victory. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TWISTER (May 10) EXT: MIDWESTERN CORNFIELD HELEN HUNT Look, it's a tornado--let's chase it. BILL PAXTON Oh, no, we're gonna get killed. (Tornado HITS.) HELEN HUNT Whew, we didn't get killed. (REPEAT until special effects budget runs out.) PAXTON and HUNT The stress of chasing tornadoes has certainly brought us closer together. Let's kiss. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A VERY BRADY SEQUEL (July 19) INT: BRADY HOME GREG Groovy chicks. MARSHA Oh, my nose. JAN Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. PETER Porkchops and applesauce. BOBBY Jesse James is my hero. CINDY Where's Kitty Carryall? CAROL Don't play ball in the house. MIKE I hope you kids have learned a lesson. ALICE I wish Sam would marry me. THE END -- Rich Dahm and Dan Vebber [Mainpage] [Generation Multiplex] [FilmZone Overview] [BACK TO WHAT'S NEW-COMING SOON] ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE FILM ZONE, created by THE BIG GUN PROJECT. All original material copyright 1996.